Emotional Stress

I am really trying to pay attention to hunger cues brought on my emotions. Last night I went to a party and it was great to get away for a bit. But, I came home to a very emotionally stressful situation with my daughter, and I noticed my stomach gnawing at me. I could not possibly be hungry. Normally, I would stabilize her, and then eat something because I "deserved" it after the stress I just endured. Every day is utter heartbreak seeing her in pain and having panic attacks, and new symptoms, so I really have medicated with food the past 3 years she has been sick. My stomach got louder and louder, but I had eaten my allowable points for the day and resisted. It was so hard to do, but I did it. This morning I weighed myself, and had gained! WHAT?? Then the thoughts came. "You're never going to lose weight, you have too much to lose. It's too hard. It would be so much easier to just quit. Who am I kidding?" So, I came here, to blog, to pull myself up and tell myself I am worth it. I can do this. Maybe my body has not metabolized what I ate at the party (which was still withing my points for the week, they allow splurges). It is too easy to slip back into old habits regarding stress. I am so glad I have this blog, knowing some of you are keeping up with me helps me.

Onward......

Beginning an Exercise program

Yesterday, I started exercising. I used to be addicted to exercise when I was in my early 20's. I would go hell bent for election every time I started a diet and exercise program, but it soon became too time consuming and too draining and I would quit. I have learned I have to fit this into my LIFESTYLE. Exercise will be a necessary part of my life from now on, and I need to make it simple, effective, and less burdensome. I personally have decided to begin just 3 days per week of scheduled group exercise. The other days I will just walk in my neighborhood. My biggest motivating factor is that my daughter, who suffers from chronic pain, has to do some sort of PT daily. I figure if she can do it, and push through horrific pain, then I can push my body, too. We joined the YMCA so she can do her PT, which is a whole lot cheaper than paying a physical therapist to work with her. I have decided on water aerobics for 1 hour, on Mon., Wed., and Fri. We have to go anyway for her, so I am fitting my goals in with hers.

You have to make it simple. Not easy, but simple. We are all very busy people, but when we understand it is necessary for a healthier "us", we have to make it fit. No excuses. This is coming from the Queen of excuses, trust me, I know them all.

Beginning my weight loss journey
Well, here it goes. I am ready to put all pride aside, because if telling my story helps anyone, it will be worth telling. I will be sharing my weight loss journey with you. I hope to inspire, as well as hold myself accountable, on this blog.
I have struggled with food my whole life, or as long as I can remember. I was a skinny kid until puberty hit. I also have struggled with self esteem longer than the food. Looking back, food has always been there. It has been my drug. I love the taste of it in my mouth. Whether stressed, happy, or depressed, I have always either “celebrated” with it, drowned my sorrows in it, or “rewarded” myself with it. I always have had an excuse to eat or indulge. I have made choices. I can blame all kinds of people for it, but deep down I know they are MY choices and I have to own them.
Now that I have owned my problem, I can begin to fix it. We can never move forward if we continue blaming others, or our circumstances, for our choices. My excuse the past 3 years has been that I have stress, as I care for my chronically ill children, and I homeschool. Life has not been easy, but I am most assured no one’s life has been. We all walk different paths. This is mine. It is embarrassing to own a problem, it really is. But if we can get past the shame, we can make progress. That is why I am doing this.
I fantasize and lament over my skinny days. The days I felt beautiful. The days when guys thought I was hot (yes, I had a few years I was blessed with high metabolism! I still had food and body image issues then, though.) I was 5’8” and 125 lbs and thought I was fat! I wish I could shoot the 16 year old me who felt that way!
What was the trigger for this decision, to be sick and tired of being sick and tired? Well, I am actually in pretty good health. I do have back trouble and knee trouble. Cholesterol and blood pressure are good. The thing that triggered this desperate need for me was something simple but profound to me. I can no longer fit on some of my favorite rides at our local amusement park. The first time I tried and they could not get me to fit was HUMILIATING!! I had to get up, while everyone watched, and get off the ride. I had to leave my child to ride alone. I fought back tears and nearly choked. REALITY had hit. Sure, I have seen pictures of myself and felt disgusted, but the no fitting on the rides made me one of “those people”….the obese people. It made me realize I was merely existing in life. When I wanted to play and be adventurous, I could no longer because of my size. I am a skinny and fit person in this huge shell of a body. I am a happy, adventurous, spontaneous, beautiful, active person bound by over 100 lbs of extra weight. I will no longer be a slave to my body. My body will become my slave.
I am too ashamed to post my weight here, maybe once I lose it all I will post my original weight. I have been doing Weight Watchers online for 3 weeks and have lost 5.5 lbs. I already feel better. Experts say for every pound you lose, you take 4 lbs. of pressure off your joints and I believe it. My first goal is to lose 100 lbs. That will get me to a healthy weight. Then if I really want to get brave, I will try to lose another 15. I will be happy at a loss of 100, though.
Please comment, and follow me. This will help keep me accountable as well. Some days are really hard, some days I have found myself in tears because I think I “need” a certain food. The struggle is REAL. I will not pretend it will be easy. It will be the hardest thing I will ever do. BUT, I will own it and it will be mine. Thank you for reading!